What skills did I use on Wednesday?

I did a lot of errands/housework and felt good about filling up my day despite having no computer access at home.

In the evening I streamed a couple of podcasts and emailed a friend, which was good in terms of relationship stuff.

What skills did I use on Tuesday?

Mostly laid on the couch with Ludmilla. Back pain, weird stress in my shoulders.

Finally took a bath at 4:30 and now I am at the library watching Daily/Colbert since I can't watch at home.

Acceptance has been key to today. It is raining and I can't paint outside. I don't have a computer at home and can't watch TV. I'm off and have no designated tasks and need to accept the moments as they come.

What skills did I use on Monday?

I worked a full 8 hour shift and was a very good employee. Yes, I used a judgement word. There it is. Helpful, polite, I was asked to schedule hours for the upcoming month.

After work I took my sick Mac in and it is being repaired. I don't have access to a computer at home and Monday night was rough because I had a Facebook conflict that I had a lot of time to ruminate about.

The good thing is that I talked to a friend about it and it turned things around for me. I suppose that ended up being skillful in a way that I hadn't anticipated.

What skills did I use on Sunday?

Coped well with my family visit, but in the afternoon after they left I was sucked into feeling bad because I'd have to go to work the next day. I couldn't be in the moment and was doing a lot of future tripping.

What skills did I use today?

Wanted to tell a coworker and/or her supervisor that her insulting comments and mean spirit are the reason I will never be back. I was mad, but kept it to myself and got through the early 3 hour shift.

Came home tired and wanted to make sure the quilt was right- found a couple of problems and fixed them, added another border strip on the sides so it isn't too small. Located all the materials needed for Sunday pinning.

Threw 2 bookcases in the dumpster all by myself.

My hearing aids aren't working.

Trying to be in the moment, but everything this afternoon has revolved around being ready to have the kids over on Sunday.

And having bad scene fantasies about bee stings and going into shock while I am on my lunch break, then they don't know why I never came back from lunch.

What skills did I use on Friday?

Went to work; short day and off mid-afternoon.

Came home and worked on the quilt, which has been totally stressing me out because my time estimates on how long things take are always too low. Done.

Talked to niece and rescheduled pinning for Sunday. Better.

What skills did I use on Thursday?

I had medical/visual problems when I woke up and had to cancel on DBT.

But later in the day I was able to turn things around and got a lot of things done around the house, some in anticipation of company this weekend, some just weekly chores, some part of my redecorating plan.

I feel good about being productive.

Fell asleep on the couch with the hearing aids in, which can't be good.

What skills did I use on Wednesday?

Slept for less than 3 hours, went to work, came home and the rest of the day revolved around the trauma of being far too tired.

What a waste.

I did move some things around, but I need to focus on getting the quilt top done before I get distracted with home DIY. Saturday's pinning looms...

What skills did I use on Tuesday?

I was a rock star at work, making sure everything was done right at the new branch while the regular staff had their meeting. Made sure the supervisor knew it, too.

Seriously effective handling of a coworker with a bad attitude and a lack of information. I coached and kept it positive.

Everyone loved me for doing such an awesome job, and this was at the branch where I got the email from the supervisor in advance telling me in great detail how to do my job. I showed him!

What skills did I use on Monday?

Woke up with pseudo-migraine symptoms but no headache. Worthless, couldn't do anything in the morning. But I felt better in the afternoon and decided I didn't want the day to be a total loss. Worked on my quilt and took this pic of a flower I planted in our yard. I thought when I planted the starts last year they had died, but I left them there and look what happened!

What skills did I use on Sunday?

I had my meetup and had to be the gracious hostess-- which I was, I got compliments. I need to work on getting people not to be nasty and political as the meetups, as not everyone shares their views and it is divisive to have such negative comments.

I came home afterwards and felt ill. I was stressed. It was a warm day and I wanted to take a nap on the couch but there were loud sports folk outside with boomboxes. I let them have their fun and did finally have a short nap.

Bloody nose, vomiting, chills in the evening. Not feeling well but determined to go to work on Monday.

What skills did I use on Saturday?

Tough day. At work with folks who have no compassion for how hard it is to be a sub and get stuck with the grunt work all the time. Management is no help and doesn't schedule tasks to ease the burden. I spoke up and made my needs met, but felt an air of resentment that I did that.

I feel like I don't want to go back and work there. Not for full-day shifts. It is too much of a burden.

When I got off work I was aware that it was taking a long time for the tension to resolve in my body. I felt keyed up and tired at the same time. Run down and cranky and old.

What skills did I use on Friday?

Went to work and had to deal with a coworker who has been rude to me in the past. It is up to me to be the better person, and I think I did well with that.

Short shift and I came home and relaxed a bit in the afternoon. I had vision problems at work and they flared up again in the evening. A stressful day. I think the vision problem is stress related and working so many hours, especially with a hostile coworker, is tough.

What skills did I use on Thursday?

1. Wise mind
2. Observe
3. Describe
4. Participate
5. Effectiveness
6. Describing emotions
7. Build mastery
8. PLEASE (tend to physical ills, eating, avoid drugs, sleep, exercise)
9. Mindfulness of current emotion
10. Willingness
11. Mindful of current thoughts

Most of this has to do with going to DBT, being in the group, communicating with my tdoc. I felt judged by her and I posted about it on the forum I frequent in order to get their take on it. They think I should not tone down my personality for others; rather, it is the task of others to use distress tolerance if they don't like me.

Road Trip Pics: A Sunny Day

Little fluffy clouds.

The false fronts I drive by all the time.

Tea Party protester smiling and waving before I started yelling at her for being an idiot.

What skills did I use on Wednesday

1. Wise mind
2. Observe
3. Participate
4. Non-judgmental stance
5. One-mindfully
6. Effectiveness
7. Attend to relationships
8. Accumulate positives
9. Build mastery
10. Mindfulness of current emotion
11. Mindful of current thoughts

I had the day off and I sewed a little, lied on the couch a bit with the kitties, farted around. I did my laundry.

Called a supervisor to follow up on my disability email and received a response (cc'd to HR and my boss) telling me in detail how to do my job and including instructions on etiquette. Very upsetting. I responded to HR/boss letting them know this is not feedback, I haven't worked with this person in over a year, but anticipation and expecting the worst.

Had to turn off Fresh Air because it was triggering me. Mindful of my thoughts/emotions regarding that.

What skills did I use today?

I had an interaction that could be taken as a slight-- it was employee appreciation day and the question was whether we should have food today or on Wednesday. Given the fact that I was working today, but not tomorrow, I voiced my enthusiasm for today. The response from the supervisor was "I wanted to hear from the regular staff".

I sub at this location all the time and felt like it was regular staff who were supposed to be appreciated-- not subs. She was really putting me in my place. You aren't really a member of this family is the message I got. These are not really your coworkers.

I tried not to ruminate and did my best to just focus on being an effective employee.

I also passed on a compliment that a patron told me about another staff member.

Sure there are some skills in there somewhere. Late in the day I was really feeling the stress monster.

What skills did I use on Monday?

I got called to go into work at a different location and was very flexible and saved the day, without much thanks.

I don't remember which skills I used.

What skills did I use today?

1. Wise mind
2. Effectiveness
3. Attend to relationships
4. Opposite-to-emotion action
5. Problem solving
6. Mindfulness of current emotion
7. Pros and Cons
8. Radical acceptance
9. Willingness
10. Mindful of current thoughts

A lot of this has to do with dragging when I woke up but managing to pull it together and be on time for work and somewhat alert. I had to do a lot of grunt work, and I did it without complaint.

When I got home I attended to my online relationships.

I spoke with my sister and that was OK, nothing spectacular. I told her a little about DBT not going well on Thursday but she had nothing to say about it.

I am not being skillful today

I called in sick to work because the insomnia/sleep problems are driving me to a place where it isn't safe for me to be out and about. I can't drive; how can I possibly get through an 8 hour day?

I took .5mg of Klonopin, slept til 3, and feel guilty about not making it to work.

I feel very bad about myself right now.

What skills did I use on Friday?

1. Wise mind
2. Non-judgmental stance
3. Effectiveness
4. Opposite-to-emotion action
5. Problem solving
6. Mindfulness of current emotion
7. Radical acceptance
8. Willingness
9. Mindful of current thoughts

Most of this has to do with going to work and being dreadfully tired but giving my all anyway. I disagree with some of the things management is doing, expressed my concern and the reason for it, then didn't press the issue. My views have been heard and her answer to the problem is that we're going to have to work harder. The problem was going to be evident to the staff when they came in on Saturday and thankfully I was not there today to have to deal with the fallout.

Thursday was not a skillful day

I was not very nice at DBT and we spent the therapy session doing a chain analysis of my therapy-interfering behavior.

Road Trip Pics: Things I Saw on Hwy 30

What skills did I use on Wednesday?

1. Wise mind- Later in the day.
2. Observe- I noticed a feeling of judgement about my lack of motivation.
3. Participate- Played cards
4. Effectiveness- One of my card members was being passive aggressive and I said "Are you asking us to move upstairs?" Also, I got in the shower at 4PM. Late, but effective.
5. Attend to relationships- Called my boss to discuss a negative outcome in an interaction at work the other day.
6. Accumulate positives- Sewing, cards
7. Build mastery- Played canasta.

What skills did I use to Tuesday?

1. Wise mind- The debate rages on as to if Tuesday was wise-minded or not. I was late for work (45 minutes!) and didn't stay to make up the time. I left instead to go see my parents at the mausoleum.
2. Participate- I cried in the parking lot at the mausoleum. This was a real "participate" moment.
3. Figure out interpersonal goals- I told the supervisor that I understood I had a commitment to my job and that the worst thing that could happen would be for her to think poorly of me. She let me go to take care of my parents' grave.
4. Attend to relationships- See above.
5. Accumulate positives- Well. I did work for a little while. I took care of my duty to take my parents flowers.
6. Build mastery- Not so much. A wee bit.
7. Mindfulness of current emotion- I was so aware of my emotions. I cried all day: at work, at the mausoleum, in the car, at home.
8. Distract/self-soothe/improve the moment- I went to the library to pick up a CD that I thought would be soothing.
9. Willingness- I did not use this skill today. I did my work begrudgingly and resent the fact that my coworkers seem intent on micromanaging my time as opposed to letting me use my best judgement. I am inclined not to return to this location.
10. Mindful of current thoughts- I was a ware of my resentment and how it manifested in negative thoughts about my coworkers.

The "observe" skill

Some of them seem effortless. Or it seems that using them doesn't feel like a strain.

But the "observe" skill is one that I seem to pull out when I think "I need a skill". In that moment I am consciously deciding to use a skill. I often find myself lying down and thinking "I notice a feeling a tension in my jaw". "I notice a pain on the left side of my head."

I wonder if I am in a rut when it comes to the dynamics of my skills usage.

Sometimes when I think about my tdoc I notice a feeling of judgement.

What skills did I use today?

1. Wise mind- I really get credit for this today because I was involved in an interaction at work where I felt that a coworker totally dropped the ball. I didn't discuss the situation with this person because I didn't see a way to get around the not-so-veiled criticism of "you didn't do your job right". I also didn't talk to anyone else about this today. The only appropriate person to have this conversation with is the supervisor and I can wait for the morning to make a call. Also-- I had a new episode of Breaking Bad to watch but I waited until I did all of my obligations before I watched it. I went to work, came home, made dinner, then sat down to enjoy my "reward" for doing a good job today.
2. Participate- I participated at work.
3. Effectiveness- I was effective with the situation at work, even though I was hot to deal with it in the moment.
4. PLEASE (tend to physical ills, eating, avoid drugs, sleep, exercise)- I had Vietnamese for lunch and the healthy food made a difference in how I felt this afternoon. Kudos to me!
5. Willingness- To do some grunt work on the job today.

What skills did I use today?

1. Wise mind- Swinging from emotion mind to rational mind but not in the sweet spot on the Venn diagram.
2. Build mastery- Finished the quilt wall.
3. Mindfulness of current emotion- Sad. Lonely.
4. Mindful of current thoughts- Negative thoughts about myself.

What skills did I use on Saturday?

1. Wise mind- Half credit. Spent a lot of time in emotion mind.
2. Observe- Noticed my depression. Noticed my anxiety when I was on the freeway and we suddenly went from 60 to 0 very suddenly.
3. Participate- In the car with the ill communication.
4. Accumulate positives- Sewed, bought fabric, went to the craft store but they didn't have what I needed, rearranged the living room furniture.
5. Build mastery- Sewing. Not getting into an accident on 205.
6. Mindfulness of current emotion- Anxiety. Depression. Lonely. Sad when I saw the terrible wreck on 205.
7. Distract/self-soothe/improve the moment- Got in the car and ran errands. Bath.
8. Willingness- To leave the house.
9. Mindful of current thoughts- Negative thoughts about being home alone on Saturday.

What skills did I use on Friday?

1. Wise mind
2. Observe- My physical challenges. "I notice a feeling of anxiety".
3. Participate- Sewing.
4. One-mindfully- ate a banana
5. Accumulate positives- This is not a skill I used. I keep harboring an issue so that I'll have something to stew about-- I haven't taken a shower and it is the middle of the afternoon. I haven't posted to my blog. It seems I need to keep a negative front and center and one way I've been doing that is not eating until I feel ill.
6. Build mastery- Sewing.
7. Distract/self-soothe/improve the moment- bath

What skills did I use on Thursday?

1. Wise mind
2. Participate
3. One-mindfully
4. Effectiveness
5. Opposite-to-emotion action
6. Accumulate positives
7. Build mastery
8. Mindfulness of current emotion
9. Pros and Cons
10. Willingness
11. Mindful of current thoughts

Most of this has to do with driving all the way to the country for just an hour tdoc appointment. It seems like a big imposition. I did it anyway.

I sewed.

No Road Trip Pics This Week

I forgot my camera.