There were some skills involved in getting in the shower and getting in the car to drive out there. The group itself was OK, but the tdoc session afterward was distressing. She (and, by extension, everyone involved in my care) wants me to identify the distress tolerance skills that work for me and practice them. So if I call and need assistance, the response I'm going to get goes something along the lines of "What skills do you need to use right now?" I feel like if I knew that, I wouldn't be calling.
I also feel like the distress tolerance skills don't pack enough punch for me when I am in crisis. I can't find something on my list that satisfies me.
Last week I called the crisis line available through tdoc's agency and was asked "What would tdoc say to you right now?". I didn't find this helpful; I don't know what she would say. Or that she would even say anything helpful. So the crisis worker told me she would put a note in my file that this intervention is not helpful and she would let my tdoc know. This is not a successful crisis call!
So tdoc wanted me to express what I want from therapy and asked me point blank why I am there if, as she said, I think my tdoc sucks. Which I never said.
I left tdoc upset and crying and had an episode of disassociating in the car while driving extremely fast. My body was going numb and I felt terror. When I got home I laid on the bed, slept for a while, got up at 9 and ate something, then went back to lay down. I slept a long time.
I feel like it is up to me to figure out how to use my skills and no one is going to say anything to me other than "use a skill that works for you". Ugh.
No comments:
Post a Comment