Sick, vomiting, didn't make it to work. Took care of Sabrina and slept a lot today. Read my DBT book and tried to find ways to not make it worse. Worked with my breath.
Did a couple of things so I wouldn't feel like the day was a total waste.
Monday, May 10, 2010
What skills did I use today?
I tried to offer my neighbor some soup but he turned me down. So much for doing something nice for another person as a skill.
What skills did I use on Sunday?
I did some around-the-house stuff in the morning, took a long nap, then went out in the afternoon. In my PJs. To the library. Ugh.
I cut a chunk of flesh out of Sabrina when I was trying to cut some mats out and she ended up having emergency surgery at Dove Lewis. This was traumatic and expensive.
I did make soup from scratch, so I feel good about that.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Saturday: Is Lying in Bed a Skill?
Tdoc wants me to work on skills that are not so action-oriented so that when I am unable to be action-oriented I can still be skillful.
I lied in bed with Ludmilla purring in my ear and listened to NPR. I drifted off and napped a while. I tried to be in the moment with Ludmilla. I observed and described what it was like to lie in bed; nice and warm under the bed with the windows open and a cool breeze.
I think that taking a shower has to be on the list of things I do every day, since it is almost 8PM and I am still in my PJs and I feel gross.
Friday: Skill or No Skill?
I went to work even though I am very depressed about the tdoc situation and talked to the director of the clinic right before my shift started. It was suggested that the clinic isn't right for me. I'm not exactly being shown the door, but I am certainly being reminded that the door exists.
It was a full day and I was clearly not charming. I talked to one of the people who is PIC sometimes, even though he won't be PIC on Monday, because I needed to find an authority figure to talk about my problems with my Monday coworker. It turns out all month I have Mondays working with the same person, a person I have a hard time with because I have to make sure they are doing their job. And doesn't take feedback from me well. So we decided to take a watch-and-wait approach and see how things go this coming Monday.
My skill most in evidence was Effectiveness, since I held my tongue about certain things I felt it was not wise to talk about. Also, I've been packing really healthy lunches on days that I work and feel that is helping a lot.
Friday, May 7, 2010
Thursday was upsetting
I slept late and didn't do much before I left for DBT at noon.
There were some skills involved in getting in the shower and getting in the car to drive out there. The group itself was OK, but the tdoc session afterward was distressing. She (and, by extension, everyone involved in my care) wants me to identify the distress tolerance skills that work for me and practice them. So if I call and need assistance, the response I'm going to get goes something along the lines of "What skills do you need to use right now?" I feel like if I knew that, I wouldn't be calling.
I also feel like the distress tolerance skills don't pack enough punch for me when I am in crisis. I can't find something on my list that satisfies me.
Last week I called the crisis line available through tdoc's agency and was asked "What would tdoc say to you right now?". I didn't find this helpful; I don't know what she would say. Or that she would even say anything helpful. So the crisis worker told me she would put a note in my file that this intervention is not helpful and she would let my tdoc know. This is not a successful crisis call!
So tdoc wanted me to express what I want from therapy and asked me point blank why I am there if, as she said, I think my tdoc sucks. Which I never said.
I left tdoc upset and crying and had an episode of disassociating in the car while driving extremely fast. My body was going numb and I felt terror. When I got home I laid on the bed, slept for a while, got up at 9 and ate something, then went back to lay down. I slept a long time.
I feel like it is up to me to figure out how to use my skills and no one is going to say anything to me other than "use a skill that works for you". Ugh.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
What skills did I use on Wednesday?
- Wise mind
- Observe
- Participate
- Non-judgmental stance
- One-mindfully
- Attend to relationships
- Problem solving
- Accumulate positives
- Build mastery
- Mindfulness of current emotion
- Mindful of current thoughts
It was a lot of errands and tasks in the morning. I has up waaaay too early and had to sleep for quite a while during the day, but I was up & out for my meetup in the evening and had a good time even though I lost.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
What skills did I use on Tuesday?
- Wise mind
- Observe
- One-mindfully
- Attend to relationships
- Opposite-to-emotion action
- Problem solving
- Accumulate positives
- Build mastery
- Mindfulness of current emotion
- Distract/self-soothe/improve the moment
- Willingness
- Mindful of current thoughts
A day at home but I was productive and didn't fart the day away. I even laid on the couch for a while and just "was in the moment" with Ludmilla on my tummy, then we fell asleep and took a short nap. A good day.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
What skills did I use on Monday?
I went to work and pulled a full shift. So there was some opposite to emotion action going there.
Unfortunately, my coworker was a sub who moves sooooo slow and I had to explain basic aspects of the job to him. He didn't do anything proactively and I had to make sure he accomplished his assigned tasks according to the schedule. While this was going on I felt angry that I have to be the better person--- he has been in the system just as long as me, if not longer-- but I also recognized that this was a time that I needed a skill. I never identified a specific skill, but I did refrain from yelling at him or expressing my anger in an unhealthy way. I guess I used the skill of being effective. It is not fair that this dynamic exists, but it does, so I will babysit him and make sure the work gets done right. Grrrr.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
The "Observe" Skill in Action
I notice a feeling of warmth in my tummy.
I notice an itchy spot on my face.
I notice pain in my lower back.
I notice Moby singing.
I notice the solidness of the couch below me.
I notice the scratchiness of my wool blanket.
I notice that my socks are keeping my feet warm.
I notice I need to pee.
I notice my living room is tidy.
I notice the kickballers have packed up and gone home.
I notice the cats are both sleeping.
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