What skills did I use today?

1. Wise mind- At times.
2. Participate- When I was sewing.
3. Non-judgmental stance- Struggled with this because I felt I wasn't very productive today.
4. One-mindfully-Sewing. Ate dinner at the table with no reading material.
5. Attend to relationships- I have been emailing a friend on a regular basis and it feels good to connect on a deeper level about serious issues.
6. Accumulate positives- Reading, sewing. Nap.
7. Build mastery- Sewing.
8. PLEASE (tend to physical ills, eating, avoid drugs, sleep, exercise)- Nap.
9. TIP (temperature [ice/heat], intense exercise, progressive relaxation- Laid on the couch with the heating pad. Stretched.

What skills did I use today?

1. Wise mind- Yes, manifested in actions below
2. Observe- "I notice a feeling of disgust" re: cat vomit
3. One-mindfully- When washing my dishes and folding my laundry.
4. Effectiveness- I cleaned up the cat vomit.
5. Figure out interpersonal goals- Working on developing a closer relationship with someone I know.
6. Attend to relationships- Posted in the forum, sent a message to person in #5.
7. Opposite-to-emotion action- I took a shower and did some housework after a Klonopin nap. It would have been easy to write off the whole day as a loss, but I got it together and even went out for a while.
8. Problem solving- Posted on forum about strategies for making best use of my week off.
9. Accumulate positives- Made my bed. Washed the fluffy bathrobe. All the laundry is current. Dishes are all washed.
10. Mindfulness of current emotion- Noticing that I am feeling lonely and this is only day 1 of 7.
11. Pros and Cons- Cat vomit, again.
12. Distract/self-soothe/improve the moment- Took a nap because I had too little sleep last night and needed to recharge. I was starting to hallucinate.
13. Willingness- Cat vomit.

What skills did I use on Monday?

I participated in the workshop I went to for work.

I wore a dress, which I'm sure is a skill of some sort, maybe in the distract category?

Blew it by falling asleep early and missing my meds. Not a skill.

What skills did I use on Sunday?

I was effective by going to work.

I worked on interpersonal relationships by checking in with coworkers I hadn't worked with in a while. I made sure my coworkers needs were being met.

I built mastery by working on my quilt.

What skills did I use today?

I distracted by sewing and hanging out with my online friends.

What skills did I use on Friday?

I radically accepted that I was stuck doing grunt work for my whole shift.

What skills did I use today?

The skills that stick out from today are building mastery and problem solving.

I finished some half-completed sewing projects and dealt with some online forum issues in an effective manner. Something I haven't been so hot on as of late.

What skills did I use on Wednesday?

1. Wise mind
2. Participate
3. One-mindfully
4. Accumulate positives
5. Build mastery
6. Mindfulness of current emotion

I didn't NEED a lot of skills today, since I stayed home. Read a book, played with cats, ate pie, moved furniture.

I wish I had done some sewing today since I had the day free and didn't feel unwell. I can't remember the last time i had a free day that wasn't caused by being too sick to go to out to things. It was the first day in a long while where I had no obligations, and with the clean house I had no chores hanging over my head. Nice.

What skills did I use on Tuesday?

1. Wise mind
2. Participate
3. Non-judgmental stance
4. Effectiveness
5. Attend to relationships
6. PLEASE (tend to physical ills, eating, avoid drugs, sleep, exercise)
7. Mindfulness of current emotion
8. Distract/self-soothe/improve the moment
9. Willingness

Worked a short day then came home and slept for 3 hours with Ludmilla on my chest.

Took asparagus salad to work.

Sent an email at work that addressed a problem but assumed best intentions.

What skills did I use on Monday?

1. Wise mind
2. Participate
3. Non-judgmental stance
4. Effectiveness
5. Mindfulness of current emotion
6. Radical acceptance
7. Mindful of current thoughts

Worked a full day and tried to "anticipate the need of the patron" as per our new service principles. Approached patrons and engaged them. Tried to talk an elderly man into getting a library card and made a really good connection with him.

Half credit on the wise mind, since I was pretty cranky.

What skills did I use on Sunday?

1. Wise mind
2. Participate
3. Effectiveness
4. Figure out interpersonal goals
5. DEAR (describe, express, assert, reinforce)
6. Attend to relationships
7. Describing emotions
8. Opposite-to-emotion action
9. Problem solving
10. Accumulate positives
11. Build mastery
12. Radical acceptance
13. Willingness

I went to work and was redirected to the new branch for my shift. I had to use skills to explain that my time started when I reported for work at the original location, not at the end location. (I should not be financially penalized because I had to do something I wasn't planning on doing. Heck, I could put in for mileage if I were so inclined!)

I had planned on not working at the new location because there is a person there with a heavy accent and I can't understand her. At all. And she was working Sunday. I had to explain my hearing disability and send the email to the PIC for the day, as well as the supervisor who was off for the day.

I learned the new equipment, showed patrons how to use it, gave tours, answered questions, and used a bunch of different skills.

I don't feel very skillful right now.

I may have used skills today, but it is the times that I was not skillful that are standing out.

Ugh.

What skills did I use today? I had a good day!

1. Wise mind- Abso-fucking-lutely
2. Participate- When I bathed the cat. When Sabrina and I laid on the bed while the cleaning lady was here; I pet her and she rubbed up against me then we fell asleep.
3. Non-judgmental stance- The cleaning lady was almost an hour late.
4. One-mindfully- While I was pre-cleaning.
5. Effectiveness- Getting the cleaning done. Posting on my support group about my interpersonal style and talking about recent negative events in the spirit of moving forward.
6. Problem solving- The basement is clean! The house is aired out! Laundry completed!
7. Accumulate positives- Clean house! Nap! Clean cat! Took muffins to the library.
8. Build mastery- Cleaning Sabrina's butt.
9. Mindfulness of current emotion- When I was annoyed the cleaning lady was here when I wanted to sleep; then I remembered that I have no obligation to be helping her, so I closed my bedroom door and took a nap.
10. Distract/self-soothe/improve the moment- With the not-smoking issue. I'm keeping busy.
11. Mindful of current thoughts- Yes, when I realized I was angry at the cleaning lady for being late, but when she got here we talked about how she wrote down the time wrong.

What skills did I use today?

1. Wise mind
2. Observe- Mindfulness exercise at DBT.
3. Describe- Mindfulness exercise at DBT.
4. Participate- Made muffins. Twice.
5. Non-judgmental stance- Had to deal with a person I don't care for. Tried not to judge.
6. One-mindfully- Stood on the grass.
7. Effectiveness- Quit smoking.
8. DEAR (describe, express, assert, reinforce)
9. MAN (mindful, ignore attacks)
10. GIVE (gentle, interested, validate, easy manner)
11. FAST (fair, no apologies, stick to values, truthful)- White-boarded these skills at DBT.
12. Attend to relationships- Facebook.
13. Opposite-to-emotion action- Quit smoking.
14. Problem solving- Quit smoking. Did substitutions because I could not find canned pumpkin.
15. Accumulate positives- Sewed.
16. Build mastery- Sewing. Muffins.
17. Distract/self-soothe/improve the moment- Sewing
18. Willingness- Quit smoking.

Road Trips Pics: A Dreaded Sunny Day, So I'll Meet You at the Cemetery Gates

Stopped at the Columbia Community Cemetery between Scapposse and St. Helens on Hwy 30 today. Even though I worked for a while at a modern cemetery, my job was in the funeral home and I didn't spend time walking the grounds. This was my first foray into the modern style of remembrance; I knew these things were out there but I didn't realize how standard they'd become. The first stone I saw when I got out of the car celebrates the deceased's love of the game:

Here's a modest nod to the biker:

Everyone has a hobby, or so it seems:

This one really got to me. I actually cried. My personal life is far removed from the folks who serve in the military, so I don't know people who have been to the war(s). And he was so much younger than me. It's just sad.

Skills? Skills? Skills!

OK, I can't go through the list of skills I used today, but here's a recap:

• Worked for 5 hours.
• Ate lunch and caught up on TV-on-the-internet.
• Made a phone call asking about a job that was posted and got the response "We're just now taking that down because we got it covered." It was a weird posting and I felt that I was being slighted, so I ruminated about that for a while, then I--
• Ran errands. Went to an unfamiliar grocery store. I used to shop there all the time when I lived close to that store, but since then they changed it all around and who knows where anything is? I could feel my patience waning. I had to ask where EVERY ITEM I BOUGHT was. But I got it all.
• Mindfully put my groceries away. Mindfully washed the backlog of dishes.
• Made a home-cooked dinner.
• Played a 521 Scrabble game.

Socialized on the internet.

Skills?

I'm sure I used some today.

I worked. I got my car fixed to the tune of $600. I spent $65 on sewing supplies. I put up the project wall and collected blocks, pieces that should be in blocks, strips to make into blocks, all in the hope that I'll feel motivated to tackle it a bit at a time and have it turn into a quilt.

I don't think I slept well enough last night and need to hit the sack early.

Just Caught a Burglar- Maybe

The jet-ski shop across the street is closed on Mondays, so there is no foot traffic in my dead end today.

When I left to go run errands my two neighbors with cars were both home; when I got home they were both gone. Neighbor #3 doesn't drive but works a regular 9-5 job and I know he's gone today. So when I got home I knew the house was empty.

There was a stranger on the walk in front of the house. I thought maybe the landlady sent him to do yard work. She always sends "a guy" so I never know what to expect. When the guy saw me getting out of my car with groceries he took off, but not running, down the street. When he got to the intersection he looked back to check on me.

I think he was casing the house for a future break-in or he was about to break in when I came home and interrupted him.

I didn't yell, I didn't assume, but right now I feel very anxious. I've been robbed here before and right now this doesn't feel like a good place to be.

Not sure what skills to use other than distress tolerance and getting through the moment.

What skills did I use today?

1. Wise mind- Yup.
2. Participate- In the training at work.
3. Non-judgmental stance- When I saw a guy on my front porch. Then I realized something was fishy.
4. Effectiveness- Called the police.
5. Figure out interpersonal goals- I called my sister and asked her for empathy and compassion, but she told me I would never get them from her. Is this a skill?
6. Problem solving- Called the police and asked for extra patrols on my street.
7. Accumulate positives- Participated in the training and was able to get good feedback.
8. Build mastery- In the training at work.
9. PLEASE (tend to physical ills, eating, avoid drugs, sleep, exercise)- Did a good job of this today.
10. Mindfulness of current emotion- Feeling anxious after I caught the stranger on the walk in front of the house.
11. Willingness- Took the bottles back. Went grocery shopping. Made the extra stop to get the special vegan cheese.

What skills did I use today?

1. Wise mind- Yeah, but not a lot to comment about it.
2. Participate- When I played cards.
3. One-mindfully- When I played cards.
4. Figure out interpersonal goals- There is a person who plays with us who is, um, challenging. I wrote out a DEAR to try and figure out what my goals are with this person.
5. DEAR (describe, express, assert, reinforce)- Wrote it out but am not going to use it. It had to do with insulting my sister, and when I went over it with my sister she disagreed that I should pick this battle to fight.
6. Attend to relationships- Spent time with my sis, met new people who played cards with us, spent time with the regulars.
7. Problem solving- Trying to figure out what to do about the problem person.
8. Accumulate positives- I almost always win when we play.
9. Build mastery- I run the group, so I sent out emails about future meetings, updated the web site, sent personal notes to new members, in general just acted like I'm in charge and that I am welcoming.

I didn't use skills today.

Nope. Nada.

What skills did I use today?

1. Wise mind
2. Observe
3. Describe
4. Participate
5. Non-judgmental stance
6. One-mindfully
7. PLEASE (tend to physical ills, eating, avoid drugs, sleep, exercise)
8. Mindfulness of current emotion
9. Radical acceptance

Another day in bed resting. I'm getting used to this!

What skills did I use today?

1. Wise mind
2. Non-judgmental stance
3. One-mindfully
4. Build mastery
5. PLEASE (tend to physical ills, eating, avoid drugs, sleep, exercise)
6. Pros and Cons
7. Radical acceptance

No DBT today because I'm under mdoc orders to stay in bed and rest. Lied around and read comics. Was totally OK with that.

What skills did I use yesterday?

1. Wise mind- Very much so, but not much that to describe about it.
2. Effectiveness- Went to work because I had a shift that was covering a meeting and I thought it was important to keep the commitment. I left early after the meeting ended to go home and go to bed.
3. Attend to relationships- Offered to take my sister's cat to the groomer.
4. PLEASE (tend to physical ills, eating, avoid drugs, sleep, exercise)- Went to the mdoc about being sick for long. Turns out I have a sinus infection and both ears are infected.
5. Pros and Cons- Used this to strategize about my work shift.

Anxiety Attack

About 10 minutes ago I was sitting on the floor brushing Sabrina. I gave her a bath before I went to work, so she had time to dry off before the brushing. As I was sitting there, with her rubbing up against me, I had anxiety that manifested in the "am I having a heart attack?" variety.

The tightness in my chest would be best described as crippling discomfort. I was on the edge, trying to decide if I should call 911. Then I decided to try and sit and quietly notice the pain while I did some deep breathing.

Breathe in.

I notice a pain in my chest.

Breathe out.

Breathe in.

I notice a feeling of nausea.

Breathe out.

Looks like I got past it; but I'm not sure why brushing the cat would trigger me to such extreme anxiety that I thought I was going to die on the floor and the cats would eat my body.

What skills did I use today?

1. Wise mind- I called in sick today and think that was better than being at work and having it be another horrible day.
2. Figure out interpersonal goals
3. DEAR (describe, express, assert, reinforce)
4. Attend to relationships
5. Problem solving- These four skills all go together in relation to how I advised supervisors about my disability needs.
6. PLEASE (tend to physical ills, eating, avoid drugs, sleep, exercise)- Made appt to see doc because I can't get over whatever this thing is I have.

I feel pretty good about being skillful today, although I bummed that I didn't really do anything but stay in my jammies all day.

Text of email I am using to let people know about my hearing loss

I have experienced a hearing loss. This issue has been in flux and I was not certain what my final functionality would be, and what type of support I would need to ask for in order to be successful at my job. At this point I feel the disability has stabilized and I have worked with Johnette in HR to develop a plan:

I may refer patrons to other staff because I can't understand the question the patron is asking.

I may repeat back what staff is saying to me to ensure that I understand what is being said.

I have a difficult time hearing speech with music in the background, so if there could be no ambient music played while I am working in the back that would be much appreciated.

I need to avoid loud sounds and may work in a different area if there is a screaming baby.

Thank you in advance for your understanding and support. I am trying my hardest to perform as well as I can given the limitations of my hearing loss. Please let me know if you have any questions.

What skills did I use yesterday?

1. Wise mind
2. Participate
3. One-mindfully
4. Effectiveness
5. Figure out interpersonal goals
6. Attend to relationships
7. Problem solving
8. Radical acceptance
9. Willingness

Still sick. Worked a full shift yesterday. I wasn't certain everyone had been informed about the disability issue and my need to turn off the music in the workroom, so I talked to the PIC (person in charge) and he sent out an email to everyone on staff. Definitely taking care of relationships. I also cancelled a very physical Wednesday morning shift.

I had to radically accept being sick and being at work and it felt very good when we closed and I had made it through the day. We got all the shelving caught up! First time I've been at this branch and had that happen!

What skills did I use today?

1. Wise mind- The whole emotionally I want to be in bed because I'm sick/rationally I want to get up and go to work because I made a commitment. I worked a 4 hour morning shift then came home and napped.
2. One-mindfully- I had a repetitive task at work this morning and got into the whole zen flow of it.
3. Attend to relationships- Talked to the supervisor about my hearing loss.
4. Opposite-to-emotion action- The cats woke me up at 6 and I decided to stay up rather than go back to sleep and risk oversleeping for work.
5. Build mastery- Learned a new skill at work.
6. PLEASE (tend to physical ills, eating, avoid drugs, sleep, exercise)- Took a pill and slept all afternoon.

What skills did I use yesterday?

1. Wise mind- Emotionally I felt some distress about the work group meeting where we talked about my hearing disability and that if I turn off the music that is my right. I knew we had to do this, but I fear it being unpopular. It went OK and no one played music all day long.
2. Participate- Work tasks.
3. Non-judgmental stance- This was hard. Someone was rubbing me the wrong way, but I interacted in a non-judgmental manner.
4. One-mindfully- Half point. I tried to stay engaged, but slipped into thinking about how I wanted to not be at work because of my miserable cold.
5. Effectiveness- Going to work despite being sick.
6. Problem solving- The music issue.
7. Radical acceptance- I had to radically accept that there were another two hours left on my shift.

After work I came home an crashed.

What skills did I use yesterday?

1. Wise mind
2. Observe
3. Describe
4. Participate
5. Non-judgmental stance
6. One-mindfully
7. Effectiveness
8. Distract/self-soothe/improve the moment
9. Willingness
10. Mindful of current thoughts

I've been fighting this nasty cold all week and yesterday was my regroup day. I met with HR in the morning to talk about disability issues related to my hearing loss, and that went really well. We decided that I can turn off the music at work if I want to and that all the supervisors will be given a heads up on this. I dressed nice for the meeting and I think that improved my mood for the day.

Then I decided to tidy up the house, get some stuff done that's been lagging all week: laundry, vacuum, dishes, make the bed. And I put laundry in, then went out for errands thinking I'd turn it over when I got home. (This worked.) I hit the pharmacy, the library, the grocery store. When I brought the groceries home I was attentive to just putting the groceries away, just being in the moment and doing that one thing. This was made easier by the fact that the kitchen was clean and there were no distractions on the kitchen counter. Very one-mindfully.

At times in the afternoon I felt not well and wanted to give in to that feeling, let it rule the day, but I worked on ways to solve the problems. I changed into yoga clothes to be more comfortable so I could do some stretching and work on some physical discomfort. I took a Benadryl and laid down with the cats on the bed and accepted that in that moment I was doing nothing but being there, not judging it.

Why I haven't posted lately

Benadryl makes me sleepy. I've been sick all week. I missed DBT today and there are no road trip pics. Bummer.